The Day You Were Born

March 30^th 2017

I’ve realized that you have a lot of time on your hands when you have a newborn, but yet at the same time your day flies by. How can that be so? Most of my days are sitting in a chair watching you eat, then fall asleep, then eat, then fall asleep. Sometimes I have no idea if you are even eating, you swallow the whole time, but your eyes are closed and your making that deep breathing sound you make at night. Taking you into the doctors for your weight check confirmed my assumption. You weren’t eating when you were asleep. You lost a lot of weight. The doctor explained that the reason why you were sleeping so much is because you were dehydrated. Of course that makes me feel like a terrible mom. The same thing happened with your sister. I vowed it would be different with you, that you’d be the chunkyiest newborn on social media. But you weren’t. You lost even more weight then your sister. Fail. I left the doctor discouraged. Another worry to add onto the list. I bet I would have handled it better if my body wasn’t aching, if I wasn’t so sleep deprived, if I knew where things were in our house. Oh ya, I forgot to mention. We moved. One week after you were born. People told us we were crazy. We told ourselves we were crazy. But we did it. We did it and we loved our decision. It helps make it an easier decision when you move from a place that gives you anxiety. Maybe we’re just high maintenance, maybe we like the finer things in life, or maybe we were just done having to share a bathroom with a three year old who seems to always have to go number two when you’re about to hop into the shower. We learned a lot though from being in that house, I felt humbled. It’s what I needed. Now back to you, you’re two weeks now. Wow, it feels like you’ve been with  us an eternity. That day. It was a roller coaster of emotions. Selfish emotions that turned to selfless emotions. I couldn’t sleep that night. Well I actually was sleeping great, but being 9 months pregnant I was awoken to go pee for the 8^th time. This time did it. I couldn’t shut off my brain. 3 am. It could be worse. It could have been 1 or even 12, but it was 3. Three more hours until he’d awake and we’d embark on another adventure. I can’t remember really what I did to fill those three hours. I looked up C section, because I was pretty sure that’s the way you’d enter the world. I found myself browsing smash cakes for your first birthday. Silly right? I decided on a spinach one. It’s healthy and green. Green for March. The month you’d be born. By the time 4 o’clock came around my heart was starting to beat faster. Not out of fear, but out of excitement until I remembered the IV. I hate those. 4:30, I might as well get up now right? No. I’ll wait.  5, those blessed alarms ringing crystal clear. Why we both set our alarms for the same time I don’t know. We’re awake.  We didn’t say much, the casual good morning, are you ready for this? Want to have a baby today? He can tell that I’m nervous he offers me a blessing, I accept eagerly. I feel at peace again once more. The car ride. Oh it felt forever. You know how when you leave early before anyone else you get all the green lights? Red. All of them. We were late, yes late to deliver a baby. It’s normal to be late for a birthday party, or even church, but to deliver your baby? Shouldn’t be late for that. We entered through the ER. It was the only door open. I signed some papers. They gave me a bracelet, and sent us to the second floor. There is literally no one there. All the baby bassinets empty. This is a hospital right? They lead us to a room, a room where I will spend the next three days. I’m so excited. I’m hoping for the best! I hope you will flip and everything will be normal.  But I know better. I already know that you will come VIA C section. The Lord prepared me. Well as much as he could. I still don’t want to accept it. I still don’t understand why and still don’t know the exact reason two weeks later, or even if there is a reason. I just know it’s coming. I strip down to nothing, take one last glance at my big pregnant belly. I’ve accepted my body more with this pregnancy. Some people think a pregnant body is ked at it for the last time, I really did feel beautiful. He holds my hand as I lay in the bed awaiting my fate. A completely different experience from Grace. The nurse comes in. My favorite part. She has it. The IV. Eh it will be great this time. She’ll get it the first time, I wont have to be poked twice like they did with Grace. Wrong. Blown vein. Oh my. The pain is rivoting through my body. I close my eyes. She tries again. Blown vein. The pain magnifies. Another nurse comes in, probably with a little too much confidence. Fails twice. They turn to the anesthesiologist. Relief. For sure he’ll be able to get it. First attempt, fails. My blood pressure drops, I can feel myself getting close to fainting. I hate that feeling. I will not faint. He tries again. Fails. At this point I have no hope that anyone in this hospital will be able to get it in. Give it to my husband for goodness sake, give him a try! They bring in the NICU nurse, the one who puts the IVs in babies. Baby veins. I close my eyes. If this doesn’t work I’m done. She gets it. Praise the Lord. Dr. Young comes in. Very calm, casually checking his phone, as the goofy non stop talking anesthesiologist puts in the epidural. I like him. I worry about his qualifications a little bit, especially after his failed attempts to get my vein. You’re an anesthesiologist right? He does it perfectly. I start to feel numb. Real numb. I can’t feel my feet, calves, thighs, butt, waist, It’s working. The doctor pushes, you move your head down, then slowly move it back into the position it’s been in for 9 months, he tries again, nothing. C section. I accept the fate that I already knew. I look at him, we  . All I feel is love and peace. You are beautiful. You are mine.